Master List of Quicker Than/ Faster Than -Jokes

Here is a list of several of the best “Quicker than a..” or “Faster than a..” one-liners that I made up or found online. I was trying to come up with something funny for a Facebook comment about how quickly I would have kicked a romantic potential to the curb based on an action he had taken against a lady friend (installing password trackers on her computer), and had trouble finding very many good ones, so I decided to make my own list!

..quicker than your mother can unbutton her overalls.
..quicker than (celebrity) signing up for a (notorious topic celeb is linked with) convention.
..faster than a cheetah could pounce on a limping [political figure].
..faster than a speeding ticket.
..left faster than a man after hearing the pregnancy test results.
..disappeared faster than a [snack food] at a [diet program] meeting.
..faster than the wife can figure out a way to spend it.
..lost faster than an intern’s dignity at a cigar club meeting.
..gone faster than a (container of indigestion remedy/domesticated animal) in a (restaurant).
..faster than a new version of anything by Microsoft needing to be patched.
..gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane.
..disappeared faster than a watermelon in the hands of Gallagher.
..gone quicker than a cheesy poof in the hands of Cartman.
..vanished quicker than (one hit wonder)’s music career.
..sold out quicker than a rainbow-print shirt at an LBGT festival.
..faster than the babysitter’s boyfriend when the car pulls up.
..out quicker than [sports team] hopes at making it to the play-offs.

If you like these, please visit the updated list with any new entries on my new word-nerd hobby blog, Divvyry, here =)

41 thoughts on “Master List of Quicker Than/ Faster Than -Jokes

    • old railway fireman’s saying when the same shovel was used for shoveling coal and “disposing of personal waste”!! That shovel was later heated and then used for cooking bacon and eggs!!

  1. What a pack of revolting racist pigs on this website! Shame on you – typical xenophobic republican pigs!

  2. Actually, dumbass, darkies are more likely to commit rape against their family members than any other race/ethnicity.

  3. I was having a great day, but after reading some of these, the smile came off my face faster than a prom dress.

  4. Genius!
    I was looking for an analogy to describe the lack of loyalty my platonic friend has for me and any plans we might have if he finds a potential romantic date instead.
    I was saying just how quick he is to ‘blow me off’ if he thinks he might get laid by someone else, and your “faster than a toupee in a hurricane” worked artfully!
    THANKS!

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