Dear Super-Rich American(s)

Dear Super-Rich American(s):

I’d like a single lump sum of $300,000 on which to live — with the promise that over the course of the rest of my lifetime, I will have, myself, given away at least $400,000 out into the US economy.

The benefit to you, I admit, is largely novelty.

Sincerely, ablestmage

Why You Should Become An Imperial, Not A Stormcloak

In the game Skyrim, you’re given the option to either side with the Imperials or the Stormcloaks. Skyrim is one province of the continent of Tamriel, on planet Nirn, upon which the Elder Scrolls games are based. The Stormcloaks are “true” Nords of the Skyrim region who wish to freely worship Talos, and hold this as their primary reason for fighting the Imperials. The Imperials are a kind of police that enforce the laws of the Cyrodiil, of which Skyrim is one part. The Imperials were at war with the Elves at one point, and as a concession in a treaty for peace, decided to permit the Thalmor (a religious clan of Elves) to police Skyrim in search of Talos-worshippers in what amounts to a ban on Talos worship. The Imperials never or rarely enforce the ban, and desire free Talos worship as much, if not more, as do the Stormcloaks. The Thalmor enforce the ban because they believe Talos is not a god, and Talos-worship amounts to idolatry of a man, since they assert a man cannot become a god. The Nords believe Talos did become a god.

That said, in the game, I believe you should side with the Imperials, not the Stormcloaks. Here’s why.

The Imperials and the Stormcloaks are united in their desire to make Talos worship a right of every Nord, but the Stormcloaks refuse to admit it. The Imperials only agreed to the ban (that they only rarely or never enforce — only the Thalmor enforce it) as a bargaining chip to end the war with the Elves.

The Stormcloaks are a cluster of poorly organized lay-abouts, who just sit about and moan about how they can’t worship Talos out in the open like they used to, with the Thalmor roaming the neighborhood. However, instead of attacking the Thalmor directly — which are far fewer in number and are essentially there only because the Imperials have a treaty to let them in.. the Stormcloaks decide to attack the Imperials of their own blood. WHY?

Can’t you see that the Imperials are surely using this treaty as a strategy against the Thalmor, to let them in, and then suddenly make the strike? They can’t contact their Elven brethren when they’re way out in Riften or someplace, so that would be a prime opportunity to commit a fatal blow, an “Order 66” as it were, against the Elves while their backs are turned believing themselves to be in security from attack, when instead the Imperials are simply sharpening their swords and lacing them with Drain Magicka poisons. The Stormcloaks are totally messing up the plan.

The best plan, if the Stormcloaks could actually think for a second, unlike the meat-head Ah-nold stereotypes they appear to be, is to become an Imperial, rise up through the ranks, and then sucker-punch the Thalmor with a surprise attack that will shatter their foothold and turn the tide widely into Nord favor. The Stormcloaks should be in support of Imperial efforts, not hampering it with their incessant whining and poorly-organized attacks that only strengthen the Thalmor advantage!

The Imperials, to use a metaphor, are becoming employees of the Thalmor, but using the money earned from it to buy a poison dagger to stab the Thalmor as they drift off to sleep in the big cushy office chair, believing they’re in safety and power..

Shadow Hide Y… er… Long Live Talos!

Master List of Music Puns, “Not Your Forte” Etc

(feel free to add your own in the comments, no registration required)

I didn’t want my kids to join band or orchestra, and risk being exposed to so much sax and violins.

It only leads to treble.

How clef-er.

I’ve been told I’m pretty sharp.

These jokes always fall flat.

People just don’t measure up.

We just don’t have the staff for it.

Didn’t you get my note?

I’ve had to scale back.

It’ll just take a minuet.

There have been some minor setbacks.

This was a major development.


This was just a prelude to a repeat offense.

I didn’t mean to de-bass your comment.

I think your G-string is a bit tight.

They’re not really my forte.

You’re not really in tune with what’s going on, are you?

Hey — give it a rest, retard.

It built up with a crescendo, but then went mute.

Wouldn’t mind putting some spit in THAT valve!

I think your valves need some oil.

Can’t you reed?


I have the weirdest tromboner right now.

Could you pass me that tuba toothpaste?

Don’t use that tone with me.

I just jazzed my pants!

No matter what card I play, he always has a spade to trumpet.

On a high note, however…

Pitch the idea to me tomorrow.

I got caught tambourine with the security settings.

You should triangling — it’s all in the wrist.

Mmm! These cello pudding pops are amazing!

I didn’t mean to harp on you about it.

Are you calling me a lyre?

We’ve really got to guitar act together.

Why did you banjo? She was too vocal.

I like how you conduct your business.

It was an accident! I didn’t mean to harmony one!

Well that was off-key.

She’s a great girl — you should meter next time!

The package is on its way, bound fermata-gascar.

Could you repeat that?

Wouldn’t mind practicing some of THOSE fingerings..

We’ll be working in concert with other professionals.

Tour three should do it.

This ring cymbalizes so much to me.

We couldn’t hire anyone full-time, but I supposed we could always just timpani one who applies.

Blast it!

Keepin’ it trill, bro.

Do not open with a sharp instrument.

I think I’ve found a snare in your plan..

Are you sure? Yes Embouchure!

If you like this list, please visit any new additions at my new word-nerd blog, Divvyry, here.