Death Waltz Sheet Music (2 pages)

Quite possibly the funniest two pages of sheet music you’ll ever see, this one goes out to all band and orchestra nerds out there. Try saving them to your drive and zooming in to see all the hilarous directions, with such classics as “grow increasingly frustrated” and “sand bow to taste.” Great stuff.

Some of the crazy directions include:

Page 1:
remove cattle from the stage
cool timpani with small fan
light explosives….. now and….. now
based on a cro-magnon skinning chant
adagio cantabile with a rock tempo feel
keep both feet together
insert peanuts
rigatoni
breathe now
arranged by accident
oil bow here
bongos tilt
saxes move downstage
cornet use ice
duck
increase breathing
remove valve
slap thigh
play ball!
gradually become agitated
mute out mute in
like a dirigible
Have a nice day!
water pedal
untie slip knot
Drive it!
release the penguins
If there is a 3rd Clarinet, some violins may go
opt. shoe horn
add bicycle
gong duet
bow real fast
slippage may occur
all Harpists stand up and wait
begin turning flame slightly higher and higher
rests are imaginary
hand in
like a New Orleans concertina choir
begin to fall
turn
optional: 12th century lute
moon-walk
(sing, “hey, hey, hey-o, ho-hey!”)
only 16 players
whole arm on black notes
balance your chair on 2 legs
gradually slide from 12-bar Blues to a more Vivaldi-like intonation
continue “swimming” motion
timpani sticks on bell
spam
Lakers in 6
if there are no Violas, go to N
slovenly
rotate embouchures

Page 2:
avoid lumping
with much passionfruit
activate german hand pedal
in the frog
slippery when wet
with pesto
credenza
like a minuet
from the frog
if you can’t play this, why don’t you call your Mommy
Everyone rotate one chair
use smooth side of violin
wet reed
sleep for two bars
whip it, whip it good
Notice: if you are a 2nd Violinist, do not use a 1st violin, use the 2nd Violin you were issued
As a minuet
Beethoven this ain’t
lean forward
perpendicular to the frog
Return instrument if it was “Mattel”
sand bow to taste
Glissando using tip of nose
Use a semi-full pitching wedge to back of green
Shock therapy may be necessary to finish
is this being recorded?
far away from the frog
Play real zippy-like
Damella, did you have a burrito for lunch?
bowing is mandatory
move those chubby little fingers
cajun style
cantinflas
turn music upside down
Phoenecians must leave the tar pit soon
hey look — rainbow slurs
remove frog from bow
like (or as) the Rolling Stones
this music really stinks!
leap over cellist
in spite of the frog
54/32 time signature
switch to aluminum bow
keep your fingernails to 1/2 inch
JUSTIN, WAKE UP
Ouch! Stop putting your bow there!
Play a little faster than the others
START OVER
return to the schwartzeneggar
without the frog
whistle high note
23/4 time signature
APPLY BROWN LIQUID NOW
my brain hurts even more
pluck with dignity
finger with right hand and bow with left hand
Change to your Sears(R) violin
OK, who ate the resin?
INFLATE THE CIRCUS CLOWNS
Here, Anya Graba
(Spoken:) When will all the jack-in-the-pulpits be hand-canceled?
This is actually unplayable
remove cellist from ice
Thank God that’s over with! Lets go to Taco Bell(R)
“I’ve got blisters on my fingers” –John Lennon 1969
the frog has left the building
bow sideways
players may not fly above audience during performance
“Musically this is not very challenging” –Isaac Stern
Any players from Wisconsin are free to roam the audience and look for Mr Howngg
If arm falls off, reattach and play much slower
USE THE CAT HANDLE
these frog jokes are getting pretty lame
use “slap” bass method on F#s
inspected by No.345
Re-coat all of the pinatas with marmalade until most ox-drivers have discovered the tube of anti-matter won’t fit into some Barbie(R) dolls
Important notice: Before leaving stage, students must deposit their instruments in the appropriate barrel
Publishers note: The composer was born under a blue August sky in a small fur trading village in northern Lapland. There he learned the art of shrapnel making..
2/32 time signature
real big notes do not exist
Hum something from “Brigadoon”
of the frog
like a faerie’s aire
Mrs. Pibb, please help me get Boris off the floor. Mrs. Pibb??
like a Polka
There is no wrong way to play this
More faster
5/16 time signature
I saw Elvis in the 4th row!
I am never playing this thing again!
FINE