Master List of Snarky Childfree Answers to Annoying Breeder Questions

For those who can’t watch the news because of the TV always being tuned to Nickelodeon, there are loads of us out there who don’t want any children. We are called ‘childfree’ and aren’t exactly just childless, but rather are so intentionally. We can walk out the door whenever we want to go catch a movie without a 30-minute ordeal involving tiny clothes, we can spend our money on things that actually matter instead of college tuition funds and diapers, take a shower for however long we like, and shop for food that we know will actually be there when we open the fridge later.

Here are a list of super-annoying questions that super-annoying people who are baffled that anyone could possibly want any other life than to pump out stroller barnacles, and some snarky ways for those childfree thinkers to reply. Instead of getting defensive, I prefer a much more silly approach by offering a silly answer to questions I find silly.

Please contribute your own snarky remarks (and annoying questions!) in comments, and I’ll add them to the list with credit!

So, when are you going to start a family?

Why, do you have some you’d like to get rid of?
I was hoping to wait until all the orphans find parents before I start cranking out any.
The aliens took away all my reproductive potential during the abduction.
I’m currently trying to go without sleep for as long as I can, as practice, before I’m forced to. You know, just to see what it’s like before I decide.
Why start one, when you’re already so far ahead of me? There’s no way I could keep up.
My spouse is allergic to them. It’s so bad that even at the simple mention of the idea, [s]he bursts into fits of laughter.
I’m still trying to decide how many kids I want. Some people have 2 or 3, I’m thinking more like zero.
We plan to wait a decade or six so we can get settled in first. Then we’ll think about it.

Why did you get married if you aren’t having kids?

Obviously, so we could get into the cooler married peoples’ class in church. Why else?
Why did you go to college if all you’re doing is cranking out groinfruit?
Um, hello, the jewelry. Think of the ice you can get when you don’t have to pay for strained peas!
As long as we’re trying to integrate into Earth’s populace undetected, we could at least appear interested.
Because I’ve been building this really tall house of cards for the last few years.
I figured I could try to at least minimize the number of enormous financial debts I’m responsible for, for once.
We figured most of our genetic gambling bets would come out too ugly to bother trying. Speaking of which, hows little Billy?

Who’ll take care of you when you’re old?

Well maybe that’s something you mortals need to worry about..
Oh, the mothership will have returned by then.
I figure I could hire someone instead of resenting people into the job.
We’re looking into the possibility of a murder-suicide later on sometime, but we can’t decide on how much splatter is too much. We’ve got time, though.
We were planning on using the money, saved from school supplies alone, to invest in a facility we’ll build ourselves and staff 24/7.
The robots, of course. They’ll take care of everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. Everyth.. *twitch, twitch*
I’m confident “the accident” will settle any of those matters well and good.
We figure from as many children as we’ve help rescue from the sex trade with the money that would have gone into things like college funds and car insurance policies for vehicles we didn’t even drive, there would be enough grateful adults in the world to at least chip in some if they found out we were in trouble.
Well, if the death panel law I’m trying to lobby into Congress finally passes, neither of us will have to worry about it.
Surely by then we’ll have uploaded our personalities to the collective.

Do you hate kids or something?

Hate is not really the word I’d use. I do find them tasty, though. That reminds me, my candy cottage in the woods needs new graham cracker shingles. I wonder if vanilla wafers might work.
As long as they get off my lawn when I wave an umbrella at them, they’re fine with me.
Just as long as they don’t foil my plans or get into my costume closet, they and their mutt can snoop around all they like.
It’s not so much as a hate of kids, as it is a hate for people, really. When my P38 space modulator comes online.. *rubs hands together*
It’s more that I just don’t want to pass on the murderous predisposition that the pills are suppressing. And I hate assembling high chairs.
I’ve got got too many top secret plans, and kids just aren’t good at keeping secrets.
Not really. I just want to give your kids the impression they’re doing well before I have any and dominate every field of study your kids think they’re good at.
I generally just try to avoid as much of other peoples’ bodily fluids as possible, and as it turns out, that’s pretty much required from day one.
It would be at least eight years before any of them could help out with the family meth business, and that’s just not an hassle I need right now. Although I *could* bring them to the store to buy cough syrup…. *strokes unkempt facial hair thoughtfully*

But I’ve grown and learned so much! Don’t you want to experience that priceless feeling?

There are several other priceless feelings that you’ve missed out on, in sacrifice for that one priceless feeling you’re talking about. Eating an entire box of ice cream sandwiches over the course of a week without a single one going missing, for instance.
A struggle to find yourself in the midst of pressure, and to feel pleasure about who you’ve become from those trials, is not something limited to people who have raised kids. For instance, I’m struggling right now not to give you a wedgie, and I’m quite proud of myself.. SO FAR.
Don’t you want to be able to walk out the door without a 30-minute ordeal involving shoes being on the right feet?
Don’t you want to be able to continue the dreams you had in your hopeful youth, instead of following in the footsteps of the role others would give you the dagger-eye for not falling into?
Didn’t you secretly want that cutie you saw the other day to see you for you, as opposed to someone who is just too busy?

3 thoughts on “Master List of Snarky Childfree Answers to Annoying Breeder Questions

  1. RE: “shop for food that we know will actually be there when we open the fridge later.”

    AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You don’t live with my husband.😀

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